Self care isn’t always financial, buying something, or giving yourself a spa day.
There are daily practices that help achieve a better balance so that an entire day or week isn’t needed to recoup.
I’ve come a long way to creating some boundaries. People don’t enjoy hearing the word no. People don’t enjoy feeling rejected or unliked, and we rarely take pleasure in throwing those emotions onto someone else.
It often feels like it’s a choice of either betraying yourself or the other person, and in reality it’s not. Putting yourself first is easier said than done, especially as habits are formed. Being of service gets embedded in our identity. Often our social groups having roles, and a binary black or white outlook. Mix that with short-term memories, we also tip toe around the delicate nature of setting a boundary, while not wanting to be the bad guy and hoping we can stay the friendly good guy.
I’m not an asshole, but I often feel like one. I have my personal beliefs and moral system. Humanity is an entire unit and we have to look out for each other. I believe in smiling at strangers because it could change their day; I hold doors and help people carry their groceries home if need be.
Being nice alone has burned me out and I had to learn the hard way that saying no is actually self empowering.
No, I didn’t show up at your party. No, I won’t help you with your project. That’s okay, if someone doesn’t understand at first but being consistent with your boundaries, shows that I’ll have no issue being of service to others but not at my expense.
Consistency is hard when you feel put in a position to lose a part of your identity, those actions making you who you are. It’s also hard when you don’t want to let someone down, but it’s important to not let yourself down.
This is me preaching to the choir, I’m horrid at maintaining balance. Always doing too much until I can’t anymore and then sit there with a lost. If I could have kept going just a little longer, if I could have just done a few more tasks, but then I end up not being able to get out of bed exhausted.
We’re of more service, better friends and better people, when we create the boundary of saying what needs to be done for ourselves. Putting yourself first doesn’t have to be “selfish” or let people down. If I set limits at the beginning, I would have been able to accomplish more.
Being consistent and standing your ground when it doesn’t feel good takes discipline, something that I’m working on. It’s easier to hear complaints after and explain again why certain things just overstep a boundary and why the no was needed. It helps when you can offer more to those around you later on, more consistently, when you haven’t taken too much on.
It’s okay to set boundaries, and it’s okay to not be fun, or easy going all the time. If at the moment it feels like you’re the bad guy, because things are taken in a binary way, that’s okay as well. Those judgements are usually short term when you set out to be consistent.
